A near thing

What is my forte?

Not even a week into this and it so could have gone either way this morning . . . I slept in, and when I got up I sat down and started surfing weight-loss blogs. :-) Finally, about 10:45 I started a pot of oatmeal. Took my calcium supplement and a vitamin. Filled the first of 2 (maybe 3!) big bottles of water for the day. Then I sat down to eat my oatmeal in front of reruns of Body Challenge 2. I'm such a sucka for Body Challenge. LOL. They keep saying "16 weeks" because it's the final episode. And I keep thinking 16 weeks. Can I do 16 weeks?

I started Wednesday. It's only Saturday. 16 weeks seems like for-ever!

And I have a day of cleaning ahead of me. Not really grumbling, though. Scott's parents are coming out for a quick visit (their first, in the 2 years we've been living together) next Friday. So I've got some time to get things done, but cleaning is not my forte, so it takes a dedicated effort.

Hmm. I wonder what is my forte. LOL.

Anywayz, off to enter my breakfast in the journal, then I drink the secret potion (diet orange slice) and turn into the Cleaning Queen.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep.

That's enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

That's me -- an adorable pancreas

Hi! I'm Yvonne. I'm 40 years old, as I write this. I have 2 beautiful daughters, 23 & 19, and 1 wonderful Scott. We're not married, but we are living together, and at 40 it just seems weird to call him my "boyfriend" (let alone, my "soul mate" FROM Jasminlive.mobiLOL) so instead, I call him my Scott. And no matter what I call him, he's grand. :-) We also have 1 kitty, Odin, who we rescued in August 2002 and who has been rescuing us ever since.

This is where I'm supposed to give you a little bit of history and the story of my epiphany. The history is easy. I weighed 109 lbs when I was 16 and got pregnant with Daughter 1. I gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy, but lost most of it. A little over 3 years later, I got pregnant again, Daughter 2. I gained a little less weight with her, but I also didn't lose as much. LOL. Story of my life.

I gain weight, I lose weight, I gain more weight. I weighed 223 lbs when my marriage turned into a train wreck. All trauma aside, part of me felt so much better. He went to jail (though not for long enough!) and I lost the house so the kids and I ended up moving in with my best friend from work. Remember the old TV series Kate and Allie? That was us. Only wider. LOL.

That first year I lost about 70 lbs. I was eating low-fat, drinking a LOT of water, and I started exercising. Just walking around the neighborhood, at first, then working my up to the mighty step aerobics. It was a good year. Not long after that I started dating again. And several years later I found out that it wasn't just unhappiness that made me fat. Because I don't think I've ever been so happy -- my kids are both doing well, got one through college and the other halfway through, and Scott and I just bought a house together -- and I'm back up to 201.2 (as I write this).

Yes, life has not stopped throwing me stresses. Moving is always traumatic for me (added it up recently -- 20 times in 40 years), my father died 1.5 years ago, and my eldest just moved out of state. (Which, is exactly what she should be doing -- becoming an adult, a contributing citizen, and living her own life. But does she have to do it so far away?!)

But over all, I'm happy with just about everything except my weight. Scott's never accused me of pulling a "bait & switch" with him, but really. I don't look anything like the woman he first fell in love with 3 years ago. I had my friend Bea take a picture of me last Sunday when we went walking along the canal, for my "before" picture (see below), so I can track my progress, and I swear to God, I don't recognize me.

So that's the history and I guess that picture was my epiphany. I became more and more unhappy with myself with every pound I gained, but there wasn't any light-bulb moment when I made the decision to change. I guess I just got sick of listening to myself whine.

So what do I do? I start an online journal where I can publish my whining for anybody that cares to read it. :-) I hope that, somehow, recounting my struggle with the process will be inspirational or comforting to someone else -- the way all the self-improvement blogs and journals I've been reading have inspired and comforted me.

I'll post progress pics as soon as I have some.


I feel toxic. It started late yesterday -- achy all over. My head, my eyes. Everything, everywhere. My entire body is stiff and sore (even though -- surprise! -- I haven't been doing anything).

Could be allergies, I suppose. Could be PMS. I didn't plan to start my new program when I was PMSing, it just worked out that way and, actually, if I'm going to be cranky anyway . . . like the Everclear button I have pinned to my bulletin board says . . . good time for a bad attitude . . .

But why do I feel so yucky? It's not like I'm trying Atkins (again!) and cutting out carbs. I'm not cutting ANYthing out this time. Well, except for Real Coke, and even that shouldn't affect me because I've switched to Diet so I'm still getting the caffeine. Plus, even if my system is missing something, it's only been 1 day. One freakin' day!

Anyway, I swallowed some Advil. Begone, toxicity!

In the meantime, I've been playing more with the CalorieKing.com thing and I'm really liking it. Unlike caloriescount.com, I can add foods and save them to my list so that I don't have to re-add them or look them up again. And I can copy meals from one day to another which, as often as I hit Uno's for the chicken salad, is a really cool thing.

No exercise today. I was awake this morning watching some shows on www.chaturbaterooms.com before my alarm went off and I lay there and debated going for a walk. I know I have to. Eventually . . . until then my Inner Fat Lady is just stomping her feet about the whole enterprise.

First Day -- done!

Thus ends The First Day of better living.

I checked out FitDay and wasn't terribly thrilled. I used caloriescount.com for a while (months & months ago. sigh.) and had gotten used to that. But my account with them had ended so I thought I'd explore my options. Somehow I ended up at calorieking.com and signed up for a 3 month period. It was only $11.99, so even if I end up not liking it, I won't end up wishing I hadn't signed up. Unlike ediets or WW, which both seemed to require more significant investments.

ediets scares me -- I filled out their little profile thingy a few days ago but didn't actually pay for a membership and I've been getting e-mails upon e-mails ever since.

And WW. Well, I've tried WW several (6? in 40 years?) times with some success but not lasting success.

For now, I'm going to try to figure out the calorieking.com system and see if I like it.

I addition to scoping out online food journal options, I stayed under 1400 calories (I'm aiming for 1500) and registered on the "This is WEIGH Better!" forum. I haven't been brave enough to post yet. I think I'll put together an "about" page for this site before I post an introduction there.

I've been reading many of their jasmine live members' journals for months now, trying to get myself on track. Inspiration is essential, at least for me, and there's lots of it to be found on the net.

I managed to be mindful all day today. That's probably my biggest success. I'll work on the exercise in the future . . .

A new day drags on

It isn't easy, making myself pay attention. In fact, it's hard. I've spent most of my adult life trying not to pay attention to what I'm putting in my mouth -- how much I put in my mouth, why, etc. Because when I do wake up and look at what I'm doing, I see how awful it is.

I may be feeding myself, but I'm not taking care of myself. The heavier I get, the less care I take. I wear the same five outfits every week, over and over, because they're all that fit. I stop getting my hair cut, start going longer and longer between dye jobs -- who cares if a fat lady has gray hair, right? I don't do my nails. I don't wear jewelry. I spend the absolute minimum of time getting ready in the morning because to spend any longer might give me time to think.

I'm punishing myself for eating, I guess. And it's one of those vicious cycles -- the worse I make myself feel, the more I want to eat.

But today is just the First Day. I've got 70.2 lbs to lose. If I lose a pound a week that's 70 weeks. And there are sure to be plateaus. Hell, not just plateaus but plains, with cliffs.

So I've gotten in all the required water -- 67.6 fl oz. Had an Uno's Mandarin Chicken salad (dressing on the side) for lunch and only ate half of the bread stick that came with it. Diet (not Real) Coke.

I'm not hungry right now, but I am a little tired of running to the bathroom . . .

It was a new day yesterday . . .

So far, so good. I'm trying to remain conscious, mindful, of what I need to be doing. I weighed myself. 205.2. That's my official starting weight and I posted it on the right.

I had a small bowl of cereal with skim milk for breakfast (debating, the whole time, carbs/lo carbs/no carbs) and took my calcium supplement and a multivitamin. I remembered to grab the veggies I bagged last night, a lite string cheese, a SF jello, a couple of diet sodas, the FF pretzels. The new Marilyn Manson CD I borrowed from my daughter's boyfriend (I just haven't been thrilled with his last two so I refuse to buy the new one without hearing it first).

I made it into work. And I read over what I posted last night and looked at that damn picture again. God. Where am I? I don't even recognize myself. How can I be walking (waddling?) around looking like that and not even know it?

Because I refuse to look at myself, that's why. I totally understand the hysterical blindness thing now -- I can brush my hair, brush my teeth, put on eye-liner, all in front of a mirror, every damn day, and never see myself.

I'm going to go experiment with FitDay . . .

Still among the missing . . .

Not only have I not been eating right and exercising, but I've been eating and slothing like I'm on a mission to gain weight. I mean, what gives? My last post, May 28, I vowed to drink 2 big bottles of water the next day. Didn't even come close. I think I got one down and gave up. Or no, it wasn't even that I gave up, I forgot about it. That's how far gone I am. That I can forget about wanting to lose weight even while being overweight is making me so fucking miserable.

And it is making me miserable, it is. I gasp for breath coming up the stairs. I struggle in and out of the car. I hate the way I look, the way my eyes disappear in my face.

I went walking with my friend Bea on the canal on Sunday (the only healthy thing I've done recently) and, six miles later, when we got back to the car, I asked her to take my picture. I said, "One of these days I'm going to get my head straight and start doing the right thing. This will be the before picture. Of course, that probably won't be this week, so next Sunday we'll take another before picture. And we'll just keep on taking before pictures until . . ."

Until what?

Ever since then, I've been thinking about that picture. And how I don't want to have to take another before picture.

So here it is, Tuesday night. Today when I went to the grocery store I picked up celery and radishes (I just can't do carrots anymore . . . call me jaded) and lean cuisine and skim milk and lite string cheese and diet sodas. Then I watched a movie and after it was over, I started to head up to bed. Only, I knew that if I didn't stop and cut up my celery and radishes, I wouldn't make time to do it in the morning, either, and that would put off the First Day of The Right Thing yet again. So I dawdled a little downstairs. I paced back and forth. I took the DVD out of the player and put it in the case. I picked up a few things. The whole time, trying to drill sargent my way into doing what I knew I needed to do. Finally, I walked my substantial ass into the kitchen and got out the veggies and cleaned and cut and bagged enough for two days.

Then I poured myself a Last Real Full Strength Coke and sat down to post my Before Picture.

Brace yourself.

Tomorrow morning I'll weigh myself and post the number here. I'll eat my veggies and I'll drink my water and I'll take my vitamins.